suicide is an answer when my life is a question

I would like to be gone. Not having to face what to wear tomorrow, how to hide my arms, how to hide my feelings. Sometimes i am so shy that even my hands don't want to be seen. My voice doesn't speak when i want it to. Why is it mute? I don't want to answer my phone, i don't want to talk, i want to be alone. I want to collide, like the waves collide with the shore.
I don't want to show me. I don't want anyone to see me. This is me- my character and it's my decision what to do with it. Stop judging me, mum. stop looking and my wrist and stop lookind at me like i am an alien. i am not, i am your daughter. What a shame your daughter needs a therapist to speak. What a shame your daughter is what she is and you can't change it. What a shame she is in her room everyday, not doing anything but wanting to disappear. But do you ask? No.
I would like to float in the sea. Arms wide open, just float away.
I would really, really love to be gone.

gestern hab ich wieder bei mama im bett geschlafen. ich werde mein versprechen nicht brechen.
bevor es schlimmer wird, gehe ich zu ihr.
wenn sie da ist.
jetzt ist sie nicht da.

"The saddest kind of sad is when your tears can't even drop and you feel nothing. Its like the world has just ended. You don't cry. You don't hear. You don't see. You stay. For a secound, the heart dies. "


  1. bevor ich dich vergesse und deine worte vergesse, muss ich sterben. und sogar dann lebe ich noch in dir weiter.